A Need for Fear
by MilesAboveFantasy
Summary: Alex goes to Tom to explore a side of himself that scares him. PTSD, kinky, sexy, etc. Approximately 5 years post-Scorpia Rising.


**Author** **'s Notes and Warnings:**

This story is super kinky and deals with dark thoughts involving Alex's past, largely PTSD. This is the dirtiest thing I have ever written and that is saying something. Do not read if you are under 18. You would be doing me a disservice to do so. This story has been properly rated. This fic is not meant to be purely pornographic. If your only thought is "this was hot," you have heavily misread it. However, thinking it was hot is fine as long as you appreciate the character development.

Also, this fic isn't using kinks as a way for Alex to deal with mental issues. They are separate entities entirely. His mental issues exist together with his "unusual" interest, they may interact but not directly.

I shouldn't have to tell you this, but this isn't a guide on how to fix mental issues by a longshot. It is merely an individual character workly through his issues in a bad way.

* * *

 **Title:** A Need for Fear

 **Summary:** Alex goes to Tom to explore a side of himself that scares him. PTSD, kinky, sexy, etc. Approximately 5 years post-Scorpia Rising.

* * *

 **A Need for Fear**

It had been a couple of weeks since they spoke. It was a typical Alex thing to do, to leave friends hanging. He didn't mean it cruelly - nothing that Alex did could ever be considered cruel - but for Alex, it was often easier to leave distance between himself and his friends.

He wasn't normal. He had known that for a while now. It all started when he was chosen at the age of 14 to save the world. It was a responsibility no child should have had placed upon his shoulders, but nonetheless, the fate of countless lives has been his torch to bare.

But sometimes, at his lowest, Alex doubted that he had ever been normal. The son of a spy, raised by another spy. Trained from birth. Had he ever been normal, or was his childhood just an act in a role he didn't know he was playing?

Alex knocked on the door in front of him - it was raining out, his clothes and skin slightly wet due to the walk from the taxi. The awning saved him for further downpour. His heart was racing, though with thoughts of the past or the pleasant, beating fear that coursed through his heart at the thought of being with Tom, he couldn't say. He shouldn't be afraid to see Tom. They had been best friends since they were 11. Nine years now.

The door opened, and Alex let a crooked smile claim his face as his friend opened the doorway to his home. It was a small townhouse near the college Tom attended. To Alex, sometimes it felt like a second home and others a faraway dream.

"Can I come in?" Alex asked. He winced at the sound of his voice, thick, and to someone who knew him as well as Tom, sounding as if he was at the point of tears.

Tom nodded dutifully and stepped aside. "Yeah, sure. Are you okay?"

"I-I'm fine," Alex muttered. He kicked off his shoes and placed them where Tom kept his, sneakers and a pair of flip flops. He probably kept his dress shoes in his room. Alex shrugged off his jacket which had suffered the bulk of the rain. "Anywhere you prefer this to dry?"

"I'll throw it in the dryer if you're staying long enough."

"I have no plans," Alex murmured. "I can stay the night if you like."

Tom chuckled in a way that told Alex that his best friend wasn't holding a grudge from his weeks of silence. "Always trying to get into my bed, are ya? Toss me your pants and socks as well. No, don't give me that look. The bottom of your pants are soaked."

Alex acquiesced without further complaint and let out a satisfied sigh as he freed himself from the confines of his clothes. He appreciated the warm air of Tom's home as it replaced the chill of his half-sodden clothes. The breath was knocked out of him as a pair of gym shorts hit him in the face.

"Put those on or I might not be able to help myself with your sexy undies," Tom cracked from the kitchen where he kept the dryer. Odd, though a college student had few choices in how their living spaces worked.

Alex slipped on the black gym shorts and then followed Tom into the kitchen. "I was under the impression you enjoyed guys in gym wear anyway."

"Guilty as charged," Tom said.

Alex jerked as Tom slammed the door to the dryer shut, turning towards the fridge to hide the pain that crossed his face.

Tom was quiet for a moment before speaking. "I'll try to remember to keep loud bangs to a minimum." It made Alex feel sick to hear the guilt in his voice. A friend shouldn't have to be on eggshells around him. "It's just been a while since you've been around."

More guilt, though Alex couldn't blame Tom. He was the one who was messed up after all.

"So, what brings you around?" Tom asked.

Alex blushed. "I just wanted to be with a friend." It was a half-truth, but truth nonetheless. A full truth and an omission was just as accurate.

"Ever the romantic," Tom chided. "Well, it's Saturday night and I have no plans and no class tomorrow. I am yours for the night." He reached into the freezer and pulled out a bottle. "You, me, whiskey? Sound good?"

Alex nodded slowly. "Sure." Alcohol wasn't his favorite thing, but it was always fun when he and Tom drank together. Plus, maybe it would make all of his feelings go away. That was why most people drank after all. Maybe the warm buzz would return some life to his freezing feet.

He followed Tom to the living room and jumped onto the couch next to him. He didn't have to ask if he could use the blanket Tom kept on his couch. He knew the other man wouldn't mind, and if he wanted to use it himself, they could share. Alex tucked his feet in on himself in a crisscross fashion and put the blanket over his legs.

"So, what do you want to watch?" Tom asked before taking the first gulp of whiskey. Alex winced at his skill. Tom drank a lot more than he did and didn't even make a face as the whiskey was washed down his throat. Alex knew he would gag if tried to drink that much at once. He could save the world and drink swamp water to survive, but he couldn't even do what most college students could when it came to alcohol. Another reminder that he was different in every way.

He sighed at the thought. One year, one short year that felt like a lifetime, changed his life permanently. His entire life, every thought and action, was a direct consequence of that dark year. Everything he did was a matter of trying to escape the person that he had been forced to become, and to try to find someone in the mirror that he recognized.

"Al? Any opinion on what we watch?"

Alex blinked. "Not really. I'm just happy you are here."

"Right," Tom said.

Tom was always his tether to normalcy. Tonight, he planned on ruining that.

Tom passed him the bottle and Alex took a small sip. Tom laughed at the face he made.

"Wimp," he muttered good-naturedly.

"Shush," Alex grumbled as he handed the bottle back. The back of his throat was on fire.

Tom flipped through the channels a bit more, stopped for a moment on a James Bond movie, and then pushed forward as he realized Alex wouldn't want to see it.

"So, what is your excuse this time for ignoring me?" Tom asked. Then his voice took on a softer tone. "I didn't mean that to sound so harsh."

"I know," Alex said. He scooted closer to Tom. "I'm cold." He leaned against Tom, and tensed for a moment, thinking that his friend wouldn't like how close they were. Tom said nothing. "I had… an episode."

Tom nodded. "Is the therapy helping?"

"It is nice to talk to a professional."

"But not exactly helping."

"I don't think I can be helped."

"Don't say that, Al."

Alex felt the air huff out of him as Tom pulled him into a strong hug. He closed his eyes and let his head rest against his friend's chest and inhaled his scent.

"I'm not normal," Alex said after a while. "Nothing about me is normal."

"Name one thing," Tom demanded.

"I jump at loud noises."

"Tons of people do," Tom rationalized. "With your past, you should. You probably have PTSD."

"That's what the shrink says."

"Perfectly reasonable. Completely normal considering your circumstances."

"But not normal-normal."

"Who is, though? Name one other weird thing about you."

"I've never had sex."

Tom guffawed and pulled Alex just a bit closer. "Hate to break it to you, but tons of people your age haven't had sex. And it is an easy fix."

"Offering?" Alex muttered.

"The question is, are you offering," Tom teased.

Alex sighed. "Here you are, a ladies man - hell you even get guys, if you're telling the truth."

Tom snorted. "Why would I lie about that? Being bisexual is fun."

"I don't even know what I am. Kind of skipped that phase while saving the world."

Tom was quiet for a moment. "What turns you on? Like, what gets your dick hard? Do you ever, you know, play with yourself? You haven't mentioned that kind of stuff since, well before, you know? You used to have the dirtiest mind of all of us - hell, you taught us how to find porn in grade 7 - but when you came back…"

"I was messed up?"

"I didn't say that. And you know I didn't mean that."

Alex sighed.

"So, answer the question. Or are you too chicken to tell me?" Tom teased.

Alex shook his head into Tom's chest. "I do, you know, wank. But not as often as I did before _then_."

"And what do you think about?"

"Give me the bottle," Alex said, taking the bottle of whiskey from Tom. He sat up slightly, not fully leaving Tom's embrace. "I really hate that I can save the world, but I am still ashamed of things."

Tom nodded and muttered 'chug, chug, chug' under his breath as Alex drank. After Alex had a coughing fit, Tom spoke. "You don't have to be ashamed of whatever you like. You can like whoever you want. Girls, guys, even that Stellenbosch lady."

Alex made a face. "Ew. Why would you say that?"

Tom laughed. "Let me know when you can't feel your face, then I want to know every last masturbation fantasy you've had."

Alex snorted. "Gonna ask for a demonstration next?"

Tom grinned. "Well, if it is your idea."

They were quiet for a moment before Tom spoke. "Just to put it out there, I am hard right now."

Alex chuckled quietly. "We should have known you liked boys in grade 8. Remember that pool party?"

"I was not hard!" Tom admonished. Then an evil grin spread on his face. "I am just big."

"Sure you are," Alex teased back.

Tom humphed and pulled out his phone. After a moment of flicking through the screens, he shoved it in Alex's face. "There you go, me in all my glory!"

Alex snorted. It was an impressive sight. "Fine, I apologize for doubting your manhood. Though you could have just pulled it out. Who's the chicken now?"

"Still you," Tom deadpanned. "I only kept 'big Tom' confined for your wellbeing."

Alex snorted. "It's not that big."

Tom shook his head. "I meant, you're confused, and I want you to talk out your feelings."

"My therapist says that too, though you're prettier."

Tom grinned devilishly. "So, you do want to see it?"

"Maybe later," Alex murmured.

Tom sighed. "I'm just playing. If you're uncomfortable, let me know."

Alex nodded.

"Can you still feel your face?"

"Unfortunately," Alex said.

"Al, real talk. Did you come here for a hookup? I won't be mad. We're friends. I care about you. I'll swipe that virginity away from you."

Alex pulled away and pulled his knees to his chest. "I considered it. I tried making one of those Grindr accounts you have, but the guys there were…"

"Gross?" Tom offered. "I'm clean shaven as of yesterday, no worries."

"Dangerous," Alex finished.

"I am sure you can take care of yourself," Tom said. "I have these big, bulging muscles-" he said as he showed off his arms "-and you could beat me to a pulp. No one you could meet through online dating will be able to hurt you."

Alex gulped. "They might be able to… if I wanted them to… do things to me."

"Do things to you? We call that bottoming."

"No," Alex said with a shake of his head. "I know that. I want them to… tie me up, and other… things."

Tom blinked. "Alex Rider is a kinky little devil then?"

"Never done anything," Alex mumbled.

"Kinky little virgin," Tom amended.

"Yeah. I guess."

"That explains the bundle of cords I found in your pants pockets. So, what, did you want me to tie you up and pound you into my sheets?"

Alex blushed wildly. "I…"

"Don't be embarrassed. I wouldn't even consider it doing a favor."

"I can't believe I left those in my pocket for you to see," Alex groaned. "My spy skills are slipping."

Tom smiled. "Isn't that a good thing?"

"If you find a way to take the memories and trauma, as my therapist likes to call it, with them, then sure."

"Trauma," Tom said quietly. "You think you want to be tied up and fucked because of your spy past? Like all the times you were captured?"

"Rape might be a better word for it."

Tom blinked. "Alex…"

Alex put a hand up to stop him. "It never happened, no… You asked me what I jack off to? Well sometimes I dream of those times where I was tied up, or in a cell, waiting and bored and scared. Afraid that they were going to kill me - and as I got deeper into the game and realized how fucked some of these people were - sometimes I feared a sick guard would rape me. It never happened, but sometimes, I wish it did." He shuddered, a full body shudder that made his limbs dance and his teeth clatter. "An opportunity lost."

"Alex…"

Alex stopped him again. "I know on a logical level that I don't wish that it happened, but the dreams… Wow, I can't believe I'm telling you this. It took me years to tell the therapist."

"Well, I'm prettier," Tom said weakly.

Alex sighed again. "She thinks the reason I can't form relationships is because of this. I have a hard enough time with friends after J-jack-" he paused for a moment to push back a sob "-and missing all that time growing up with people my age. And then I was afraid everyone I met was going to kill me. Dating someone just seemed impossible."

"Well, it is," Tom interjected. "I haven't had a relationship last longer than three weeks."

"Ha-ha."

"You don't actually want to be raped, do you?" Tom asked.

Alex shook his head. "I don't think so. If I did, I would probably have met up with some of those creepers on Grindr. I read that some people use… bondage to cope with things. I wanted to try it."

"And so you came to me?"

"Sorry."

"Don't be. I am glad you think you can trust me," Tom said as he scooted closer to Alex. "Plus, I already said that I am willing, didn't I?"

Alex shivered as his friend's breath brushed his neck.

"You want me to tie your hands behind your back and fuck you? You know, Alex, the thought of your writhing under me is quite enticing."

Alex gulped.

"Is this too far, Al? You look afraid."

"I like the fear."

"Oh?" Tom asked. "I'm afraid too. I don't want to accidentally hurt you."

"You're not that big," Alex muttered. The refrain was becoming amusing, almost like they were kids again.

"I don't want to hurt you as a person. You're my best friend, and you're in a bad spot right now. I don't want to take advantage."

"Tom…" Alex said slowly. "I don't remember the last time I have been this hard, and never around someone else."

Tom chuckled lightly. "Hot, but it doesn't answer my question."

"I trust you, that is why I am here after all. Do whatever you want to me."

Tom brushed his lips over Alex's neck, sending a shiver down Alex's whole body. "It sounds to me more like you are more into submission than rape. There is a big difference. I am not really into that scene, but I should be able to satisfy you. I've seen the porn."

Alex gulped, and a slight moan escaped his lips as the skin of his neck moved under Tom's lips. "Ca-can I take my pants off?"

Before he knew it, Tom had grabbed him and spun him around. His head was resting on the arm of the couch and his legs were in the air as Tom removed his gym shorts and underpants in one swift motion.

Tom whistled. "Cute little cock there, Alex."

Alex blushed, both from the comment and that he was stark naked under his best friend. "It is not little."

"What, seven inches? Pretty big, but nothing on me."

Alex looked now at Tom's crotch, dick straining tightly against jeans. He reached forward to touch it, but Tom slapped his hands away.

"You have to earn it," Tom said.

Alex nodded slowly.

"God, Al, I have to admit, I never thought of you this way, but I am so horny right now."

"You should take them off if it makes you more comfortable. You can, like, blindfold me if you want to make me wait."

Tom growled. "God, you're really riling me up. Alex Rider, submissive bottom boy. You even have a porn star body."

Alex blushed at the comment, then watched intently as Tom removed his pants and shirt. He kept his underpants on, though it left little to the imagination.

"Would you like for me to take my shirt off?"

"Go ahead," Tom allowed.

Alex did so, just slowly enough to show off for Tom. He had no idea what he was doing, but from the sound of Tom's breathing, he had to be doing something right. Tom had seen him shirtless countless times before, and he had not gained any more scars to frighten his friend. That gasp was fueled by desire, because while his shirtless body was nothing new, this was the first time it was a body for him to touch.

"Are you going to want me to tie you up with it later? Probably can get a minor knot around your wrist."

"If you want," Alex said. "You can choke me with it too, if you want." He knew he said the wrong thing as soon as Tom's face fell, followed by a delayed gasp.

"Damn, Alex. You are kinky."

"I'm sorry."

"No, don't be. Do you really want me to choke you?"

"No…" Alex said, turning away.

"Don't lie to me. I need to be able to trust you too."

Alex nodded. "I'm sorry."

"Stop apologizing."

"I'm… I don't want to say…"

Tom shrugged. "You can try 'yes, sir.' Though NEVER call me daddy."

Alex nodded. "Yes… sir."

From the way Alex's eyes lit up at that, Tom could tell that Alex was enthralled, and it scared him.

"Are you sure about this, Alex. I don't want to hurt us. Do you really want this? I'd be just fine trading blowjobs and calling it a drunk night to be forgotten."

"If that is all you want to do, that's fine," Alex said.

"No, no, I would love to do more. I just want to make sure you are happy too… and I am not sure I can trust you right now… I mean, to not let me push you too far. What if I choke you tonight, and you have a nightmare about it tomorrow?"

"I'll have a nightmare anyway." Alex shook his head. "It doesn't matter. I trust you."

Tom nodded, and then placed his hands on Alex's neck and began to squeeze. Alex's eyes widened first in horror, and then they calmed, glazing over into something approaching enjoyment. Tom let go, and Alex sucked in air.

"Did you enjoy that?" Tom asked.

Alex nodded carefully. "A little."

"Are you going to want more of that…?"

"It would turn me on if you were to choke me within an inch of my life," Alex admitted. "I won't ask you to do that… just know, that if you want to get a good grip, I'll really enjoy it."

Tom nodded. "Let's just see where things go…"

"Yes, sir."

Tom reached down and took Alex's dick into his hand, enjoying the sight of Alex squirming beneath him. "Tell you what. I'm going to trust you Alex, and I need you to be 100% honest. I am going to do whatever I want to you, and if I go too far, let me know. Do you know what a safe word is?"

Alex nodded.

"Good. If you become uncomfortable, say 'Jack' and we'll stop immediately."

"Okay… I mean yes sir."

"Any other kinks you want me to scratch?"

"You can hit me."

Tom's eyes widened again. "Alex…"

"Not hard or anything! I… just throw me around a bit. I trust you. Just be as rough as you want. I don't think you'll approach my limits."

"I'm nervous," Tom said.

"I'm terrified."

"But being terrified excites you. Your dick is leaking…"

Alex blushed.

"Let's just do it. We're best friends, what could go wrong? Grab your cords from the kitchen if you want them, they're on top of the washing machines. I'll be in my room. Hopefully I have some lube lying around. Usually I meet at the other guy's place."

"We don't need lube if you don't have any," Alex said as he stood up.

Tom gripped Alex's shoulder. "Trust me, Alex, we do. Unless you meant you want me to h-hurt you… though I would refuse. I'll hit you a little to satisfy your kink, but I won't do anything to further your rape fantasies."

Alex nodded and headed for the kitchen. He turned around in the doorway. "Thanks… for all of this."

Tom chuckled. "Thank me when you're biting the pillow."

Alex's heart was beating excitedly the whole time. He found the cords he had brought with him - thin and black, and they looked like they would ride the line perfectly between comfortable and restraining. As he crossed back into the living room, he grabbed his shirt, before heading up the stairs to Tom's room.

Tom was leaning over his nightstand, probably looking for the lube. Alex couldn't help but touch his friend's butt. It just felt right, and intimate, and something he needed to do.

Before he knew it, Alex was flying back onto the bed. His breathing was heavy as he looked up at Tom. He had been thrown around many times by men larger than him, but this was different. There was desire and fear, but good fear. This fear wasn't an icy fire coursing through his veins, threatening to paralyze him until an approaching death took him, but warm and arousing.

And he wanted more of it.

Alex could feel Tom's eyes traveling up and down his body, his eyes lusting with desire. It made Alex feel good, really good. Alex knew he had a nice body - fit, muscular yet lean, above average height, and smooth skin. All of the works. Except for the scars. The dragon's bite that tore in through his heart and out of his ribs. And worse, the burns that marred his shoulder. The scarring was almost invisible, blink and you would miss it, but they glared at him every time he saw his body in the mirror.

"I see you brought your shirt," Tom said.

"Disappointed?"

Tom grunted. "It's not like I'll let you put it back on. I couldn't find a condom. Enough lube for a couple fucks. That cool with you."

Alex nodded.

"You ever have anything up your butt before?" Tom's question ended with a laugh. "God, we wouldn't have talked about this years ago. I realized I like guys when I was 17. When did you first start to think about it?"

Alex shrugged. "Do me, and I'll let you know." He yelped as Tom grabbed his legs and pulled him to the edge of the bed. His face was level with Tom's chest now, and he knew what the other man wanted. Alex brushed his hands over Tom's cock, barely contained within his underpants.

"First time touching one?" Tom didn't wait for him to answer. "Have fun choking on it."

Alex hummed as Tom lowered his boxers and kicked them off, and then Tom's hands were in his hair and that hum turned into a moan. Tom's fingers twisted and pulled at his hair, just enough pain to feel good, and Alex made sure his mouth was open as he was pulled towards Tom's dick.

It tasted… not bad. The jarring thing was that he was suddenly aware that his best friend's dick was in his mouth. His head was pushed down just enough to make him gag, though not as bad as the alcohol earlier.

"Feels good, bro," Tom murmured as he let go of his grip. "Play around with it for a bit."

Alex moved his head back and forth on the dick in his mouth, enjoying the occasional moans and compliments from above. Alex could feel his whole body tingling, could almost feel electricity traveling over his skin. This was different and weird, but good weird. He had been almost afraid to have sex for years, afraid of what he would do and what he would let be done to him, but with Tom, he felt safe. Even as Tom grabbed his hair and pushed his head down on his cock until he was gagging, he felt safe. He could feel his eyes watering and a pressure induced pain in the back of his throat, but, God, it was hot.

He fell back on the bed as Tom let him go.

"You enjoying this, Alex?"

Alex nodded as Tom climbed onto the bed, placing his head upon the pillow as if he were going to sleep. He wasn't, Alex noted hungrily, as he gave his dick a stroke.

"Come here."

Alex shivered at the sound of his voice, both welcoming and commanding, and crawled across the bed to Tom's dick.

"Kiss the nuts," Tom said. This time it was a suggestion, though Alex didn't need it to be a command to do it as he let his lips travel down the underside of Tom's cock. It tickled Alex's lips as he brushed his mouth over the sack. While Tom was clean shaven, he couldn't remove all the hair from his balls. Alex didn't blame him. He experimented with his tongue and mouth before returning his attention back to the cock in front of his face - and with this view, he realized just how big it was.

Alex felt Tom leaning over him, and the next thing he knew, Tom was moving his lower half up on the bed until Alex was half in his lap. Alex didn't let the movement distract him from pleasing Tom. He had a good enough guess of what Tom was doing anyway. His guess was confirmed as he felt Tom brushing a finger along the crack of his butt. Alex heard the pop of the lube bottle and blushed wildly at the realization of what was about to happen. The blush died as he realized that Tom couldn't see his face down at his dick, and well, he was also sucking his dick so how much more embarrassing could what was about to happen be?

His whole body tensed up as Tom's finger began to stroke his butthole, his finger already slickened by lube, and he flinched closer towards Tom as a finger pushed into him.

"Don't worry, Al, I won't hurt you. Actually-" Tom said as he pulled Alex up until they were face to face "-how about I give your lips something new to do while I loosen you up."

Alex gasped as Tom pulled his lips towards his, but that gasped died as their mouths met. Alex was hesitant at first, enjoying the warmth and the tickle of Tom's barely noticeable mustache. Their eyes met, and there was something there that Alex hadn't felt in years, something intimate and loving and something that he was missing but could never place the words for it.

He arched further into the kiss, and let their bare chest press together, as Tom returned his finger to his rear. Alex hid his moans and grunts in their kiss. His body was on wonderful fire as fingers explored where nothing had before and Tom's other hand, warm and gentle, traced across his back in tantalizing strokes.

And then he was falling back, crashing against the soft sheets. Tom followed him, lips never leaving his until they swooped down to his neck. Alex cried out as the warm touch on sensitive skin drove him wild.

"You ready?" Tom asked.

"Mhmm," Alex mumbled, not entirely sure what he was ready for but certainly ready. Tom lifted up his legs, and Alex quickly figured it out. He heard Tom pop the bottom of lube again and watched as he liberally spread some on his dick. Alex jerked slightly as a finger returned to his ass and spread a generous amount of the lube. It was cold, but he knew the chill wouldn't last for long.

Tom leaned back over him and placed his lips on Alex's. Alex could feel Tom lining up his dick with his opening, and Alex closed his eyes for a moment as the pressure pushed on him. And then it was in.

It wasn't painful, exactly, but it was different. Alex was afraid, and that fear thrilled him, but Tom's lips pressing on his comforted him. It was almost as if his friend was saying, 'I have you. I won't hurt you.' Alex squirmed a little as Tom pushed further and further into him, though he never felt true discomfort due to Tom's warm touch.

Warm pleasure began to build up inside of him, and Alex knew that whatever was supposed to happen was happening. He was no gay sex expert - having gone straight from the "ew gay" phase of a 12 year old to traumatized youth who didn't have the time nor desire to think about sex at all - but he knew at once this was it. Tom's hard cock was pushing up inside of him and whatever it was doing was sending pleasure pulsing through his stomach, down his arms and legs, and out of his throat in a sound he didn't think that he could make.

Tom's eyes were locked with his the whole time, looking for any sense of discomfort. Not finding any, he began to move faster and harder, and for once, Alex let himself get lost in the moment. His entire existence was warmth as Tom's body moved on top of him. Alex let his eyes fall closed and began to move his hands down Tom's arm, strong tight muscles enticing him with their strength. There was just one more thing that would make this perfect, so Alex grabbed Tom's right hand and placed it on his throat.

"Alex…" Tom muttered. Alex looked up at him pleadingly. He needed Tom to take control, to scare him, and return him to that place and time where adrenaline coursed through his veins.

Tom lifted off of him for a second, and Alex felt his face fall. And then Tom thrust into him with full force and Alex couldn't help but cry out and throw his head back against the sheets. His neck was exposed now, and with a burst a pleasure that almost matched Tom's thrust, he realized that Tom's hand was on his throat.

Alex tried to lean up and look at Tom, but Tom pressed him back down by the grip on his throat. For a moment, Alex panicked at the pressure. He couldn't breathe, and he knew that any fighting that he did was just as likely to damage him as save him. Then he stopped fighting, closed his eyes, and breathed, thinking of a way to save himself like he had all those years ago. Panic never saved anyone. What mattered was that he could stay calm and figure out a way to save survive.

And what he realized was that he didn't need to. Tom wouldn't hurt him, could never hurt him if he tried. Tom was doing exactly what he had been asked to do. Thrill burst within every cell of Alex's body, and when he opened his eyes to find Tom looking down at him, he did the only thing he could. He growled.

Tom removed his hand and air filled Alex's lung, a fresh course of fire coursing through his veins. "Fuck, Tom, I…" he whimpered, but his words were lost as Tom thrust into him.

"Tom," he cried out. "Do it again."

"Do what?" Tom asked. "Fuck you?"

Alex whimpered as Tom moved in and out of him. Alex could only squirm under him.

"You like me fucking you, Alex? You know, I never really thought about this, but now I can't help but wonder how I never got you in bed before. Your lips-" he muttered as he placed a kiss "-are perfect. Your ass is tight. The sounds you make drive me wild."

Alex shivered. He couldn't help it. He just felt so good, and it intoxicated him to know that the sounds he was making were doing the same to Tom.

Tom was breathing heavily as he spoke, not stopping the movements that were causing Alex to feel things he could scarcely imagine. "I'm getting close, Al." Tom kissed and nipped at his friend's neck. "Are you?"

Alex blinked. "I don't know," he said in a long exhale. "This feels so good."

Tom thrust into him again, and hard, and Alex cried out. Tom chuckled. "I bet it is. Now let me know how this feels," he said as he reached a hand down to stroke Alex's dick.

Alex whimpered a long, sharp, shuddering inhale. "Fu-uck."

"You like that?"

Alex's answer was a full body spasm. It felt so good, every sensation that he had felt so far multiplied as Tom stroked his dick. It was the first time his dick had gotten attention since they had started fucking. His dick was leaking, and with the leftover lube on Tom's hand, his dick was a wet bundle of warmth as Tom played with him. He wasn't going to last long at this point.

He could tell that Tom knew that too, as the other man picked up his pace, really driving his cock into him with each thrust.

The next few seconds or minutes, Alex couldn't tell, were one long pleasurable haze, and then the world was a blur around him as he came. He felt his whole body arch at the overload of sensation, head and shoulders pushing back into the bed with almost painful force. Tom's hand continued to stroke his cock as he came. It was almost too much, but the over-stimulation made Alex scream with pleasure rather than pain.

When the world returned to some semblance of normal, though he knew he was still a large way off, Alex had to gasp to pull breath into his lungs.

Tom's lips crashed back down onto his and from the sounds that Tom was making and his hard thrusts, Alex knew he was cumming too. God, Tom was inside him now and orgasming, pushing just a bit deeper and harder than he had before. Tom's lips were on his and his tongue explored his mouth. It all felt so good.

Alex just laid there and basked in the heat they were sharing. And then Tom pulled his away and leaned back on his pillows.

"Was that good for you Al?"

Alex nodded furiously from the opposite side of the bed.

"Get over here," Tom said. "Time for you to learn about after sex cuddles."

Alex didn't need to be told twice as he crawled across the bed and collapsed in Tom's arms.

Tom exhaled a long, slow breath. "I'm exhausted." Then he chuckled. "If that was half as good for you as it was for me…"

"It was," Alex interjected.

"Good. I am happy to give you a good first time. You sure as hell missed a lot, and I always wanted a way to help you. No matter what they say, dick does save the day."

Alex chuckled lightly.

"Did I, you know, fulfill your kink?"

"A little."

"Was the choking good?"

"It was…" Alex was at a loss for words. It was scary but in a good way. It wasn't something that Tom could understand. "I enjoyed it."

"Do you want more of it?"

Alex was quiet for a moment. "Yes…"

Tom sighed. "I don't really want to, but I would rather you do it with me than with someone else."

"You don't…" Alex tried to say, but Tom cut him off with a hand.

"No. You aren't coercing me into this. I want to do it for you." Tom grabbed Alex's shirt from where it lay deserted on the bed.

Tom was on top of Alex again, wringing the shirt in his hands. "What makes you like choking?"

Alex shrugged. "The idea popped up… there is something exhilarating about not being able to breathe. I think I'm going to die and I have to fight to live, and when it's over and the air rushes into me, I just feel so alive."

Tom nodded. "I won't pretend to understand, but make me one promise."

"Anything."

"We go skydiving together. We'll find you more healthy outlets for this… danger kink."

Alex frowned. "I'm sorry…"

Tom shushed him with a hand over his mouth and nose. "A warm-up," he said as he removed his hand. "And don't you ever apologize for who you are. It's not your fault _they_ messed you up. I'll always care about you."

"Thanks," Alex mumbled as Tom slid the shirt over his neck. The neckline was around his neck, but instead of bringing the rest of the shirt down over his shoulder, Tom grabbed the rest as slack and pulled it behind Alex.

Alex groaned at the pressure on his throat, then nodded to Tom.

Alex gasped as Tom tightened the cloth around his throat, pulling his head back onto the pillow, and felt the panic roar within him when no air came. He calmed himself. Tom wasn't going to hurt him. Ten, twenty seconds later the panic returned. Tom was looking down at him with something akin to curiosity.

His lungs were starting to burn now, and he began to struggle and twist. He knew that he could overpower Tom if he grabbed his arms, so he resisted the urge to grab his friend and throw him across the room. Instead, he grabbed the sheets until his knuckles went white and his limbs began to thrash. Tom was on his legs so he couldn't move much, but…

Air returned to his lungs in a rush as Tom loosened his grip. Alex was breathing heavily, trying to get air into the depths of his oxygen deprived lungs. "More," he croaked.

"Alex… you were fighting back…"

"I want to," Alex whispered. "Don't stop until the last second."

"I can't risk hurting you!" Tom nearly yelled.

"I can go at least twice as long. Trust me."

Tom nodded slowly. "I need a signal for when you can't go further."

"Fine."

Tom grabbed the bundle of cords that Alex had brought earlier and placed them near Alex. "Fight as much as you want, but when you need me to stop, grab these and I will let go."

Alex nodded. "Don't worry, I could always throw you off. I'll do it your way though."

His head was pulled back to the bed as Tom tightened his grip again. His breath was caught in his throat, but that added to the excitement, being denied some small portion of his lung capacity. If he were in actual danger, it would be a moment of dread, and he would have to spend a moment talking himself out of screaming, crying, and giving up. Memories of Venice returned to him, sending a shock of terror through his body, but instead of running away from it, he embraced it.

His lungs weren't burning yet, though he started to thrash a little. It was part of the fun. His whole body arched up against his will as Tom's hand began to stroke his cock. He was still slick with leftover lube and cum, and with the lack of oxygen, the ministration felt even better than it had earlier.

Alex continued fighting, unable to determine the line between pleasure and fear. He arched his cock up further into Tom's hand while his arms flailed in the sheets. The air in his lungs was drawing desperately low. Alex turned his eyes to see the bundle of cords, to know exactly where it was so that he could wait until the last second.

A few moments later, he was gulping at the air but found no relief. His hands were solid white from gripping the sheets, and he was biting at the air and the pillows trying to find any relief.

He looked to Tom, who had fear in his eyes, and somehow, impossibly, that turned him on further. Tom was mouthing something at him, but Alex couldn't hear the words. His face felt like it was on fire now, all the blood in his body concentrated on his face. He couldn't breathe. He needed air. But he couldn't stop now. He could go further, just a little further. Lava in the form of tears began to pour down his face.

He was so close. Just a little bit more and he would grab the cords and inhale a breath of pure adrenaline.

The world exploded around him as the pressure disappeared, and wonderful, wonderful oxygen poured into his lungs. He sucked in a breath like he never had before, like dousing a fire that was tearing apart his lungs.

Soon enough, his focus returned to the world. Tom was glaring at him, and he had just enough time to wonder why before Tom slapped him across the face.

Alex blinked in shock and didn't bother turning back to face him.

"Did you like that, Alex? Do you like being hurt that badly?"

It did feel good. Amazing, almost, though by no means the high he felt a moment ago. Enough to sting but not to ache. He turned his eyes to Tom slowly, and his heart clamped as he saw the hurt on his friend's face.

"I'm sorry," Alex said. He half expected Tom to apologize, to tell him that he never had to say 'sorry.' Nothing came.

"Damn it, Alex. You pushed it too far."

Alex was quiet. "I was fine. I was about to…"

"You should have given up earlier," Tom said. He didn't leave room for disagreement. "One more second, one more." He shook his head with anger, and Alex saw a tear roll down his face. It made Alex feel more shame than he ever had before. "Your face was red, like completely, and you were crying. I waited for you to grab the cords, but you didn't."

"I'm messed up," Alex murmured. He reached his hands up to wipe away the warm tears that burned his face with their salt. "I enjoyed it."

"I know," Tom said slowly. "I'm going to be honest. You are my friend. You take this kink shit and take it too far. You are going to get yourself hurt."

"It is the only way it will be real…"

"We'll do this slowly," Tom said. "But promise me two things."

"Anything," Alex said. He put every ounce of emotion he could. He meant to follow his promise more this time than he ever had before.

"Promise me that you want to live."

Alex nodded slowly. "I think I do."

Tom nodded. "Good. Good. And promise me that you will only do this stuff with me. No one else knows you like I do. They either won't know how far they can push you, and fail you completely, or will let you die."

"Deal."

"We're going to find you some ways to deal with this better. Like skydiving."

Alex laughed quietly. "You just want to skydive and this is a good excuse."

"Maybe," Tom muttered. "You know what else I want to do?" He didn't wait for an answer as he leaned down and took Alex's dick into his mouth.

Alex groaned at the contact, having forgotten the stroking Tom was doing after the euphoria of air met his lungs. The lips were a new feeling to him, and he didn't last long and came swiftly in Tom's mouth.

Tom crawled back up next to him when he was done. "So, how was your first blowjob?"

"Really nice," Alex replied. There was little more to say.

"So, on a scale of one to ten…"

"Seven," Alex said.

Tom laughed. "Thanks, though it was better than a seven, and, more importantly, not what I was asking. What I wanted to know was how likely are we to get that to replace your, uh, darker interests."

Alex shrugged, and Tom pulled him into a cuddle.

"You don't have to answer now. Just… think about it, okay? And please talk to me more about this? About everything. I don't want to lose you."

Alex nodded. He would do his best. He knew that he could save the world from countless madmen, but there was one thing he feared he may never conquer.

Himself.

* * *

A/N: So, I wanted to explore Alex 5 years later with some of the difficulties he may face...


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